Talk about harry potter here peeps.

Im seeing the Midnight Premiere of Harry Potter 5, its gonna be awsome

Can we talk about how we dislike Harry Potter here? Because I read the first three, I don't see what all the hype is about, it's pretty lame in my opinion.

Can we talk about how we dislike Harry Potter here? Because I read the first three, I don't see what all the hype is about, it's pretty lame in my opinion.
I guess but dont flame anyone

I never liked harry potter but for some reason I watch it beacuse It just there. =P

Harry Potter is amazing. :D I have the 7th book on pre-order. It will be here the 21st. :D

My sister is taking me and my brother to see the 5th movie. Sort of a tradition. We've seen all of them in theaters together. :)

not really much to say bout this. the books were good but the movies and stupid fangirls ruined it.

I'm not one to buy into the hype, but I picked up the first book in early '02 when we were all sort of in shock after 9/11. It look my mind off of things and I remember the CEO of my company saying she read them, too. After that, caught up on the series via trade paperbacks until the 5th and 6th ones came out in hardcover. Much like the Stephen King series, The Dark Tower (which has a few Harry Potter references in book 5) , I'll be sort of glad when it's all said and done. I liked the books, but it was always bang bang bang, then this long explanation at the end.

or Jessica Alba, or Jessica Simpson, Jessica's are HOT!Theres one jessica in my 8th grade class she looks like an abomination...

Ontopic: Umm...yeah harry potter was cool with the books and all but yeah the movies got out of hand but Its still okay.

The books are absolutely brilliant, i've gotten all of them the day's theve come out and have the 7th on pre-order.

Can i say to anyone aswell, that when you get to order of the phoenix, you'll know the true Harry Potter, the last 3 books are the darker, more adult intended for over 15's...they really are brutally good.

On the topic of the deathly hallows. I personally dont think Snape is evil.

Anyone see Daniel Radcliffe on Leno? That was hilarious. :) He was talking about how he would **** with the paparazzi by wearing the same jacket and hat every day, so all of their pictures looked like they were from the same day, when actually, it was over months at a time. Therefore, none of their pictures were publishable. It's quite clever actually.

i only ever saw the first movie, and it wasnt very good. however, seeing as hermione is freaking gorgeous im gonna see all the other movies. although the books were very good. i was younger when the first books came out, so they fit, because it was just magic, and i was all like "woah dood sweetzors!!" but now that im older, and more mature, the more recent books are so amazing. the halfblood prince is so good. i cant wait for the deathly hallows. its gonna be so sick. also, i think snape is evil. if JK rowling decides to make him good again im gonna drop kick the lady. i mean after what snape did at the end of halfblood prince hed better stay bad. im gonna be super pissed if he decides to save harry's life or something. i kinda want harry to die, but then i kinda also want him to get with ginny, and it be all like aww nice and happy... whatever. i probably look like a huge geek here, but i just read... not that geeky.

^^ Harry won't die, so don't get your hopes up. Some ******* at the hot dog eating contest held up a sign that ruined the book for so many people. Me included. He held up a VERY revealing sign at a televised event. What kind of ******* would do that? I'm not going to tell you what the sign said or anything, as that wouldn't be nice.

I saw the 5th movie, it was so terrible. Keep in mind that I like Harry Potter movies and books.

Dan

well was hermione hot at least? or was it even remotely entertaining? also, unalive that sort of gave some of it away for me...youve eliminated one possible ending, but whatever. just say no more...

well was hermione hot at least? or was it even remotely entertaining? also, unalive that sort of gave some of it away for me...youve eliminated one possible ending, but whatever. just say no more...
How the hell did that give something away? All I did was crush your dreams of Harry dying. And actually, I have no idea if he dies or not, I just don't think she'll kill him off.

I know a few people who are goin to the movies tommorow and they said they're gonna tell everyone the ending with a megaphone.

Never read the books, never seen the movies. Ive heard really good things about the books but i never got into it and really dont see myself getting into it either.

I just saw the newest one. It sucked. The rest were so much better.

How the hell did that give something away? All I did was crush your dreams of Harry dying. And actually, I have no idea if he dies or not, I just don't think she'll kill him off.
touche... well you did say he wouldnt die... rather blatantly. none of this 'not having any idea' stuff... whatever... im still gonna watch all the other movies and whatnot... and im still stoked for the book.

i only ever saw the first movie, and it wasnt very good. however, seeing as hermione is freaking gorgeous im gonna see all the other movies. although the books were very good. i was younger when the first books came out, so they fit, because it was just magic, and i was all like "woah dood sweetzors!!" but now that im older, and more mature, the more recent books are so amazing. the halfblood prince is so good. i cant wait for the deathly hallows. its gonna be so sick. also, i think snape is evil. if JK rowling decides to make him good again im gonna drop kick the lady. i mean after what snape did at the end of halfblood prince hed better stay bad. im gonna be super pissed if he decides to save harry's life or something. i kinda want harry to die, but then i kinda also want him to get with ginny, and it be all like aww nice and happy... whatever. i probably look like a huge geek here, but i just read... not that geeky.

Think about it. He's soo not evil and you know it mate.

Im not gonna make a huge massive essay post on my theory but here's my shorter version, at the beginning snape made the unbreakable oath to protect Malfoy and thus under that to serve Voldemort to Malfoy's mum, he cant break it because if he does he die's.
Now, Dumbledoor has always said to all the teacher's that he trust's Snape with his life and as Snape is part of the order, he could have obviously been spying on Voldemort but when put into the situation of being..practically forced into making the oath, he couldn't refuse it as the two deatheater's would have suspected his alligence with Dumbledoor and the order and told Voldemort and had him killed.
Next bit i thought about is at the end, the two way mirror attack when Snape kills Dumbledoor and Harry chases Snape...snape dosent send one single spell to attack Harry, there all BLOCKS....surely if after 6 years of hating Harry, and all the abuse Harry's dad gave Snape when they were at school he would have killed him right there..but not even a single offensive spell is cast. He also shouts something about learning to shut up and close his mind...remember the occumelency)sp?) lessons Snape was forced to teach Harry...and the non-verbal spells he was teaching him in this book? could that be a referance to Harry telling him the way to defeat Voldemort?. Maybe so.

And.....has anyone ever thought about olivander? and the flower women in Diagon Alley?. They just dissapeared...but where to? how about the SLUG club? that randomly buggered off elsewhere after Harry asked Slughorn about Horcruxes i think it was. What about the new primeinester Scrimgeour?

we cant forget about the werewolf Greyback, OR about Luna Lovegood.


There's all what i've been focusing on, im trying not to read into Lilly Potter though..i want that to shock me.

Also people, im deleting all Hermione bollocks this thread is about Harry Potter proper discussion, I.E what you like about the books, theory's, the film's, what you think is gonna happen. Sticked also.

^Ahem, obsessed much? But to be fair, I'm just as big a fan haha. I love all of the books.

Hmmm, what if it wasn't Snape's choice to kill Dumbledore, he was just under the controlling spell, of which the name escapes me. It began with "I" I think.

My theory isn't nearly as technical as soap's, but it could happen.

Flip ;)

How did that guy at the hot dog eating contest know what was going to happen? (To unalive since he is the only one that saw it, I did too but forgot THANK GOD!)

I used to like it in like grade 4 but now it's just boring and hard to follow and thanks to tv my attention span is not as big now

I used to like it in like grade 4 but now it's just boring and hard to follow and thanks to tv my attention span is not as big now

That ridiculous fam.

Reading is like watching T.V just takes more focus and if you cant focus on reading a book you aren't gonna get anywhere in life really are you.

Never read the books, never seen the movies. Ive heard really good things about the books but i never got into it and really dont see myself getting into it either.

^I feel the same as this man right here.

^So does this mean that you FEELGOOD?

Hmmm, when does the new book come out in the UK soap? And will it have an adult cover OR children cover like the other few?

Flip ;)

^So does this mean that you FEELGOOD?

Hmmm, when does the new book come out in the UK soap? And will it have an adult cover OR children cover like the other few?

Flip ;)

21st i think...im not sure though, and yeah but the adult version usually comes out a week later dunnit so..

Dang, alright then. I can wait. I sooo wanna read it. Haven't read a good book in ages. It better not suck though, cause it's the last one, so it's gotta be something special.

Flip ;)

Yo, if you like reading things about the 7th book check out this forum, www.veritaserum.com

Im not advertising, im suggesting it because it has good topics. Theres a few quizez there my house is hufflepuff, my patronus is a puma, and my job is a charms professer

I registered as Fury


Im going to the midnight magic party when it comes out, but my sis is reading it first. Oh well but she finishes the books within 8 hours :D

I hate how in the new movie they dont tell you what dumbledores army is until they are caught. They left out the whole discussion of the name.

ive read some of the 7th book, and ive also read a fanfic of the 7th book

i actually liked the fanfic better, the 7th book is such a downer

i wont give any more spoilers :p

^^ Harry won't die, so don't get your hopes up. Some ******* at the hot dog eating contest held up a sign that ruined the book for so many people. Me included. He held up a VERY revealing sign at a televised event. What kind of ******* would do that? I'm not going to tell you what the sign said or anything, as that wouldn't be nice.

ive read some of the 7th book, i wouldnt be too sure of that unalive :icon_wink

keep on ur toes, expect the unexpected and dont be surprised :p

im not saying harry dies tho, but im also not saying that he doesnt, no more spoilers from me :D

ive read some of the 7th book, and ive also read a fanfic of the 7th book

i actually liked the fanfic better, the 7th book is such a downer

i wont give any more spoilers :p



ive read some of the 7th book, i wouldnt be too sure of that unalive :icon_wink

keep on ur toes, expect the unexpected and dont be surprised :p

im not saying harry dies tho, but im also not saying that he doesnt, no more spoilers from me :D

There's absolutely no way you've read ANY of the 7th book...at all.

You've most likely read another fan-fic..i've got one and its 700+ pages. No way whatsoever mate.

nope, its the real deal

ive seen the 700 page fanfic, theres too much ginny+harry stuff in there for it to be real

ive seen it :p dont believe me if u dont want to

but thenagain, u MAY be right

so i guess we'll find out when the last book arrives, and ill see if the facts i got are straight

:p

^Ahem, obsessed much? But to be fair, I'm just as big a fan haha. I love all of the books.

Hmmm, what if it wasn't Snape's choice to kill Dumbledore, he was just under the controlling spell, of which the name escapes me. It began with "I" I think.

My theory isn't nearly as technical as soap's, but it could happen.

Flip ;)
He's got a reason to be obsessed. Harry Potter is probably the best book series in our generation.

That's a good theory, though, soapy.

This thread has inspired me to re-read the series before the seventh book comes out. I've got 9 days until either the book I pre-ordered gets here, or ships one. I can do it! That is, if I still have the sixth book. :(

^So does this mean that you FEELGOOD?

Oh you bet it does, baby

i liked harry potter alot around when the 5th book came out but now im pretty much over it, im ganna see the movie and get the last book tho

crap soap... you really thought about it. although it does make sense, i really hope that he ends up being bad, because im gonna be super pissed if hes not. she set up the whole series that snape is a bad guy, even if there are subtle hints at good. therefore, she better stick with it, and make him bad.

crap soap... you really thought about it. although it does make sense, i really hope that he ends up being bad, because im gonna be super pissed if hes not. she set up the whole series that snape is a bad guy, even if there are subtle hints at good. therefore, she better stick with it, and make him bad.

I think alot about that stuff you know, It's fun to be honest because then i make myself feel smart if im right haha.

Seriously though, i think Snape is good.

Who do we think is gonna die then.

Dang I just realised. I'm gonna have to read them all again in the next like week. I know, I can remember what happened all the way up to the end of four. So I'll just read five and six. And watch the first four movies on DVD to remind myself.

There we go.

Is Hagrid dead? I honestly can't remember. If he isn't then he might die.

DANG I can't remember what happened in the last two! Soap, you know stuff, remind me of what happened in the last two.

I'm gonna read them again now hehe. I'm in the MOOD!

Flip ;)

Dang I just realised. I'm gonna have to read them all again in the next like week. I know, I can remember what happened all the way up to the end of four. So I'll just read five and six. And watch the first four movies on DVD to remind myself.

There we go.

Is Hagrid dead? I honestly can't remember. If he isn't then he might die.

DANG I can't remember what happened in the last two! Soap, you know stuff, remind me of what happened in the last two.

I'm gonna read them again now hehe. I'm in the MOOD!

Flip ;)

Hell no he isn't.

And i told you on MSN the jist of 5 and 6.

^Yup! Thanks for telling me man!

Hagrid isn't dead, I realise now. He's running the school with McGonogall or whatever her name is. Dang I'm starved, magic me some crackers Harry!

Flip ;)

im gonna go see it in 3-D

6 days till the 7th book comes out, im gonna go to chilli's ( its a Mexican resteraunt that they have in America, im not sure about the UK ), then Barns N' noble to go pick up the book.

im gonna go see it in 3-D

Ahhh I might do that too! Looks pretty sick.

Flip ;)

lol u know, if u guys dont believe ive read some of it

want me to post pictures of the insides of the book?

Think about it. He's soo not evil and you know it mate.

Im not gonna make a huge massive essay post on my theory but here's my shorter version, at the beginning snape made the unbreakable oath to protect Malfoy and thus under that to serve Voldemort to Malfoy's mum, he cant break it because if he does he die's.
Now, Dumbledoor has always said to all the teacher's that he trust's Snape with his life and as Snape is part of the order, he could have obviously been spying on Voldemort but when put into the situation of being..practically forced into making the oath, he couldn't refuse it as the two deatheater's would have suspected his alligence with Dumbledoor and the order and told Voldemort and had him killed.
Next bit i thought about is at the end, the two way mirror attack when Snape kills Dumbledoor and Harry chases Snape...snape dosent send one single spell to attack Harry, there all BLOCKS....surely if after 6 years of hating Harry, and all the abuse Harry's dad gave Snape when they were at school he would have killed him right there..but not even a single offensive spell is cast. He also shouts something about learning to shut up and close his mind...remember the occumelency)sp?) lessons Snape was forced to teach Harry...and the non-verbal spells he was teaching him in this book? could that be a referance to Harry telling him the way to defeat Voldemort?. Maybe so.

And.....has anyone ever thought about olivander? and the flower women in Diagon Alley?. They just dissapeared...but where to? how about the SLUG club? that randomly buggered off elsewhere after Harry asked Slughorn about Horcruxes i think it was. What about the new primeinester Scrimgeour?

we cant forget about the werewolf Greyback, OR about Luna Lovegood.


There's all what i've been focusing on, im trying not to read into Lilly Potter though..i want that to shock me.

Also people, im deleting all Hermione bollocks this thread is about Harry Potter proper discussion, I.E what you like about the books, theory's, the film's, what you think is gonna happen. Sticked also.

I recall my sister telling me that the reason Snape didn't kill Harry was because Voldemort said that he would be the one to do it.

I recall my sister telling me that the reason Snape didn't kill Harry was because Voldemort said that he would be the one to do it.

Aye, she's right...he's always said that.

Think about it though, my theory could be right.

Aye, she's right...he's always said that.

Think about it though, my theory could be right.

i loled at ur theory

dont think too hard about it, and just wait till the book comes out for u

lmao

i loled at ur theory

dont think too hard about it, and just wait till the book comes out for u

lmao

It wasnt a case of thinking too hard, it was a case of enjoying the story and putting 2 and 2 together fam.

I didn't really like the 5th movie, it wasn't as action packed as I hoped.




I'm getting the 7th book for my birthday, haha, it comes out one day before my birthday

Can we talk about how we dislike Harry Potter here? Because I read the first three, I don't see what all the hype is about, it's pretty lame in my opinion.

your not suppossed to reads them your just supposed to see the movie

I went to see the midnight premiere and it was a really good movie, and it was perfect because before that i watched all the other movies

**** yo... 5 more days... im so psyched. im driving up to maine on the 21st. its a 13ish hour drive. which means ill probably be done by the time we get up there. itll be nice...

Book release party at Books A Million, can't wait, it's gonna be sick.

It wasnt a case of thinking too hard, it was a case of enjoying the story and putting 2 and 2 together fam.

lol, as long as u enjoy it ;)

I made a Hufflepuff shirt for the release at Barns and Noble. I'll post a pic later.


and have you ever heard of the Potter Puppet Pals on youtube? Im making the Mysterious Ticking Noise - Lego Version

You loser. Don't post endings. Bad move.

Book release party at Books A Million, can't wait, it's gonna be sick.
oh yeah and i used the site that was in your sig, nice :icon_bigg

thats why its hidden

is ur will strong enough? :D

thats why its hidden

is ur will strong enough? :D

Dont even think about reposting that ****.

Really...dont.

Man i really want to neg rep this dude for that

He put it behind a spoiler, it's not like he bolded it and made it size 10, don't click it if you don't want to spoil it.

i got into the first and second book when they only just came out. about a year before all the hype begun. been hooked ever since.

Man i really want to neg rep this dude for that

do it :D i <3 neg rep, i was actually goin for a big neg rep bar

but it didnt work out =/

besides, really, i put it behind spoilers, ur choice to see if it u wanted, i wanted to see if anyone wanted to comment on the ending and the strange plot twists

i got into the first and second book when they only just came out. about a year before all the hype begun. been hooked ever since.
Yay! Somebody else who likes HP!

lmao wtf

all those bars and points, and u only have 10 rep power? wtf o_0

lmao wtf

all those bars and points, and u only have 10 rep power? wtf o_0
i have a 20 POSITIVE rep power, but my neg rep power is 10

eh =/

pathtek neg repped me once

he gave me like -60 wtf lol

I made a hufflepuff tee shirt for when it comes out at midnight

http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l6/tomf128/IMG_0755.jpg

the only reason im going to see the new one in theaters and not waiting is because im going to freekin IMAX to see it! probably this weekend. ive only been there twice and both were for docuementary bullcrap things.

I made a hufflepuff tee shirt for when it comes out at midnight

http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l6/tomf128/IMG_0755.jpg


.............................
dude go print out a t shirt thing lol and then iron it on

Lol i dont really care

Lol i dont really care

if u dont care, i can speak my mind

god that is fkin terrible.

You can think whatever you want but at least dont call it "f/ckin terrible"

MercofRoc is another of those annoying members who doesn't know when he's crossed the line. Don't diss his shirt, I thought it looked pretty cool haha!

And don't post spoilers. Nowadays, even hiding it is bad, cause it's tempting you. And it's hard to resist a single click.

SO NO.

Flip ;)

Yeah, spoilers are like cigarettes. Click them once you'll click every one you can see.\\

Anyway, someone told me on VTM that it is impossible to know the ending right now, nobody has the book in the world at all ( except JK Rowling )

I think the books are good. I've read all of them, and i'm most likely going to read the 7th one too.

I like Harry Potter, hopefully i will get to see the film within the next few weeks, i am not a fan of reading so i don't read the books, my favourite film out of the first 4 which i have seen is definately the goblet of fire, i can watch it over and over without getting bored :)

^Personally I found that one the most boring. I actually found the new one pretty good. I'm so backwards...

Flip ;)

Yeah, spoilers are like cigarettes. Click them once you'll click every one you can see.\\

Anyway, someone told me on VTM that it is impossible to know the ending right now, nobody has the book in the world at all ( except JK Rowling )

u jokin me

its called knowing people who ship the books, and getting them to steal one

and then take each page out and scan it

u jokin me

its called knowing people who ship the books, and getting them to steal one

and then take each page out and scan it

No mate. It's called, No one having the book until friday evening, when all sent are sent out to whatever retailer there getting sent to.

Mate, you wont have the proper book, the only book of Harry Potter to ever get leaked, was the order of the phoenix and that was in England due to several pages coming loose and landing in feild...there's not a chance.

No mate. It's called, No one having the book until friday evening, when all sent are sent out to whatever retailer there getting sent to.

Mate, you wont have the proper book, the only book of Harry Potter to ever get leaked, was the order of the phoenix and that was in England due to several pages coming loose and landing in feild...there's not a chance.

that explains why i have a scan of the book, every page, and the cover too?

and pictures of the real book, with the person opening the book and showing random pages inside?

i dont have the book myself, but i do have the scans of the book, every page ripped out and scanned on a scanner

trust me, u dont think some fed ex guy can steal one book out of hundreds of thousands goin across the world?

u want me to post a page of the real book and put it behind spoilers to prove it?

^You can post as many pages as you like, it doesn't mean it's the real thing.

Flip ;)

^You can post as many pages as you like, it doesn't mean it's the real thing.

Flip ;)

if noone has the books

why whine about spoilers

brb, finding pages

^Cause true or not, spoilers are just plain annoying.

Flip ;)

so ur saying i can post pages then?

u dont mind?

well

heres the box, in the shipping factory that the guy works at

http://img235.imageshack.us/img235/1731/1184873106135bh3.jpg

and heres contents
http://img232.imageshack.us/img232/3796/1184872838956bf5.jpg

heres first page of last chapter i think

http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/6058/1184872910261lb1.jpg

next pages
http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/7254/1184872944805hv4.jpg

more pages into the chapter
http://img54.imageshack.us/img54/8429/1184872957772qu2.jpg

and last but not least, the last page
http://img54.imageshack.us/img54/8398/1184872979026gk2.jpg



now, remember u guys, u said there was no leaks.
u said this is not real

so deleting this would just show how u guys were wrong, and ignorant to my truths :p

and besides, flip was so confident this isnt real, so it MUST be fake

right?

AH HA HA HA HA!

im sorry but you guys just got pwned.

Harry has 3 kids? marrys lily. voldemort dies, harry doesnt feel the scar for 19 years.

do they FINALlY kill off ron and hermionie, thats all i want to know.

AH HA HA HA HA!

im sorry but you guys just got pwned.

Harry has 3 kids? marrys lily. voldemort dies, harry doesnt feel the scar for 19 years.

do they FINALlY kill off ron and hermionie, thats all i want to know.

ima put it behind spoilers, so they dont bish about it

no, they marry, and have 2 kids. one of them apparently has a crush on scorpio, draco malfoy's kid, who noone knows who the mother is

RON + HERMIONE DIE FROM AIDS.

AIDS.

also, remember guys, flip said this wasnt real

i actually just printed out pages of a fanfic i wrote, and bound it together

yup. flip is EXACTLY right

Hahaha you owned us there, from your fanfic.

Do you go on Veritaserum?

Point proven.

Still, if your going to post anything, do it behind spoilers.

Point proven.

Still, if your going to post anything, do it behind spoilers.

o lol, i didnt know u could spoiler images

thanks

Hahaha you owned us there, from your fanfic.

Do you go on Veritaserum?

also, ive visited pheonix song, veritaserum, and havent found any fanfic that looks remotely like this

Fantastic ending! Got the book yesterday, and I was very pleased in how the last 20 pages turned out! Good read for all you fans, plus it came out during the summer, so you guys should have ample time to finish it quickly!

Fantastic ending! Got the book yesterday, and I was very pleased in how the last 20 pages turned out! Good read for all you fans, plus it came out during the summer, so you guys should have ample time to finish it quickly!


word, i just read the end. had my freinda the bookstore "reserve" a copy.

word, i just read the end. had my freinda the bookstore "reserve" a copy.

lol so is my copy right then?

Today's The day. Im off to chili's!

its out, anyone get it yet?
i might get it in a few days, when everyones already got it.

Im reading the book right now

poor HW

Im reading the book right now

poor HW

i have the book in pdf form :p if anyone wants it

Ive gotten it and my copy is completely differant to yours MERDICOF or whatever the name is.

Ill post it later.

really

thats really really strange, cuz ive gotten the book confirmed

Christ you people are crazy were crazy about the spoilers...

I didn't even bother to check into spoilers, so when I picked up the book this morning (normal hours, thank you), it was actually quite a pleasant read. Not bad at all.

Christ you people are crazy were crazy about the spoilers...

I didn't even bother to check into spoilers, so when I picked up the book this morning (normal hours, thank you), it was actually quite a pleasant read. Not bad at all.

Aye, i didnt even think to look at spoilers.

I only got it at 1 oclock today, no ques...because i preordered it, so it was there for me anyway. But then i went straight to work and didnt finish until seven, then picked it up at 9...im onto the wedding chapter, but im off to bed.

Its been amazing so far.

Aye, i didnt even think to look at spoilers.

I only got it at 1 oclock today, no ques...because i preordered it, so it was there for me anyway. But then i went straight to work and didnt finish until seven, then picked it up at 9...im onto the wedding chapter, but im off to bed.

Its been amazing so far.

so if u didnt look at my spoiler pages, how do u know theyre totally wrong and different?

I'm getting going to Border's and buying it as soon as I get home.


I'm reading "A Clockwork Orange" right now though, so HP will have to wait

I'm getting going to Border's and buying it as soon as I get home.


I'm reading "A Clockwork Orange" right now though, so HP will have to wait

why i think its time for some ultra violence right about now

I got mine at 12:01 this morning at Walmart where I work. There was a line from one end of the store to the other! Fortunately, I got there early enough and was near the front of the line.

I started reading it and it's awesome so far! There's a cool chase on broomsticks in the begining!!!

That's all I'm gonna say!!!! :D

Bad news. My sisters boyfriend is sending the book back instead of selling it to me. I have to get it at the beginning of August, unless I can finish it before tomorrow afternoon. My brothers friend is going back to Ohio then, and he's taking his copy with him. I better get on it.

so if u didnt look at my spoiler pages, how do u know theyre totally wrong and different?

I didnt look at your spoilers, i looked at the picture you posted of the book.

Ill post mine up later.

edit: i just looked at your pictures again, and checked the last chapter, im not going to read mine but there is something called nineteen years later, so yours probably is correct..i took it as the pages you posted were the first few.

MercOfRocs is not exactly the same as my copy buy hmmm I dunno. Well I'm about to start reading now!

SICK!

Flip ;)

MercOfRocs is not exactly the same as my copy buy hmmm I dunno. Well I'm about to start reading now!

SICK!

Flip ;)

i think its cuz i got the english version

as in UK english

and the american release had a different cover and slightly different contents

i think its cuz i got the english version

as in UK english

and the american release had a different cover and slightly different contents

As in both me and fliptastic are english.

^Ahaha. Exactly.

We have the English copy. You know with the whole "living in the UK" thing going for us?

And the plot thickens...

Flip ;)

As in both me and fliptastic are english.


haha, no idea then

how different is different with my spoilers and ur book?

i checked with my friend's american copy, and it was the same from what i could see

and i was told this was the UK version

We didn't have the chapter thing. We didn't have images on chapter pages. It was many small things that were different. I didn't check for similarities or differences between the actual text though. Sorry.

Flip ;)

We didn't have the chapter thing. We didn't have images on chapter pages. It was many small things that were different. I didn't check for similarities or differences between the actual text though. Sorry.

Flip ;)

oh, i only checked the actual text, as thats what actually matters to the story

then i have the US version, it has pictures on the chapters

Im on page 500 currently.

R.I.P. *omitted*





Unalive: How could you post such a spoiler? That's low, man. If it turns true, I'ma hax0rs you.

i just saw HP order of the phoenix yesterday, well i dont want to look like a book-worm-nerd, but the book was totally better, there were so many things that the movie didnt have, i could make a list and come up with 50 things. the worst harry potter movie so far is the goblet of fire, that movie really sucked.

i/ve already read the halfblood prince, and i totally want to read the next book, but probably in the winter because i never read books unless i dont have anything else to do. maybe someone is goignt to buy it for me for chistmas.

I think mercofROC's book is the adult version or something, it looks different, I saw it on eBay, haha.

Im on page 500 currently.

R.I.P. *omitted*
What? Dude? how could you do that?! Are you serious? That's wrong to post such a spoiler in this thread, man. That was low. Whether it was true or not, I'm editing it out.

AHAHA! Soap's post got edited! He NEVER gets edited! 0wn3d.

Lol I know who dies hehe. I'm only like 300 pages in though...

Flip ;)

AHAHA! Soap's post got edited! He NEVER gets edited! 0wn3d.

Lol I know who dies hehe. I'm only like 300 pages in though...

Flip ;)

My post didnt get edited..

It shouldnt have anyway, unless it was admin:s

EDIT: it was edited by me you plank.

WOOPSIE! Same first letter :P

Flip ;)

Finished the book, in a few hours too I must say.

Looks like mercofROC's spoilers were in fact, correct.

I'd talk about it but, meh, couldn't be arsed getting yapped at for spoiling it for everyone else.

The final battle beetween Voldemort and Harry was a bit quick for my liking though.

Finished the book, in a few hours too I must say.

Looks like mercofROC's spoilers were in fact, correct.

I'd talk about it but, meh, couldn't be arsed getting yapped at for spoiling it for everyone else.

The final battle beetween Voldemort and Harry was a bit quick for my liking though.

lol im on chapter 13

:(

I'm a very fast reader.:tongue:

I'm a very fast reader.:tongue:

ive only been reading for like an hour or 2 tho

lols

i wanna savor this last book tho, or i apparently can read at a 500 word per minute pace from the few reading tests i took

wierd

Finished it.

Snape is frickin awsome.

im pissed

the ending was so anticlimatic, and the book seemed rushed

truthfully, this one other fanfic i read was loads better

Any chance of an 8th book coming out with their kids going to a magic school?

Any chance of an 8th book coming out with their kids going to a magic school?

that depends on how much more money JKR wants

I finished it, awesome book.

Finished it.

Snape is frickin awsome.

Stop with the ****ing spoilers


-le electric

EDIT: Crap sorry, I didn't realise...

Finished it last night.

Oh my god, best ending to a book.....ever.


Just seriously, wow...the end loophole, absolutely blew me away.

People are saying the epilouge was a let down, it sort of was in a way....but you have to remember that J.K wrote this, before the philosaphers(sp?) stone, so her writing style has obviously dramatically chnaged over the years leading upto the deathly hallows.

Can i just say too, i nearly choked at Snape and Lily being best mates :s I WAS ALSO RIGHT ABOUT SNAPE NOT BEING EVILLLLL, I DESERVE A PRIZE OR SOEMTHING?

I finished this the other day, I just haven't had a chance to post in this. I loved the book, and I was completely happy with it, I just feel like I want MORE. Yeah, she tells you what happened 19 years after, and she tells you pretty much all there is to tell, but I just want MORE. I can't believe the entire series is over, and I'm actually kind of disappointed. I hope she writes more books. Not in this series, but completely new books. I'm going to write her a letter. :p

And soap:
I think it hinted in previous books that Snape had a thing for Lily in the past. It never said that it was NEAR what he actually felt, though, if it said anything at all. I don't see how Malfoy was owner of the wand, since he didn't really WIN it from Dumbledore, but the wand had already chosen him, I guess. I smiled when it revealed the names of his children, James, Lily, and Albus Severus. Haha. Doesn't really fit together, that last one, but it's still cool anyway.

I finished this the other day, I just haven't had a chance to post in this. I loved the book, and I was completely happy with it, I just feel like I want MORE. Yeah, she tells you what happened 19 years after, and she tells you pretty much all there is to tell, but I just want MORE. I can't believe the entire series is over, and I'm actually kind of disappointed. I hope she writes more books. Not in this series, but completely new books. I'm going to write her a letter. :p

And soap:
I think it hinted in previous books that Snape had a thing for Lily in the past. It never said that it was NEAR what he actually felt, though, if it said anything at all. I don't see how Malfoy was owner of the wand, since he didn't really WIN it from Dumbledore, but the wand had already chosen him, I guess. I smiled when it revealed the names of his children, James, Lily, and Albus Severus. Haha. Doesn't really fit together, that last one, but it's still cool anyway.


i didnt like the ending, just because it was so like

"and everything was hokai. the end"

especially the loophole at the end, it was like, harry magically knows O HEY KEKEKE U CANT USE DAT WANT OK?

i didnt like the ending, just because it was so like

"and everything was hokai. the end"

especially the loophole at the end, it was like, harry magically knows O HEY KEKEKE U CANT USE DAT WANT OK?

What you chatting?

Dumbledor tells him all about the wand, and it chooses it's own owners...he didnt magically know, Dumbledor got him to make sense of it.

What you chatting?

Dumbledoor tells him all about the wand, and it chooses it's own owners...he didnt magically know, Dumbledoor got him to make sense of it.

i dunno, JKR just really messed up on this book

not just the countless spelling errors, and plot errors (hermione never drank goyle's polyjuice, etc)

it was also trying to build up tension on the last few pages, which didnt work so well imo

i dunno, it was kinda overall crappy for me, in terms of good literature

can somebody please tell me what happens at the end? since im not gonna read the book anyway... does harry die? etc, thanks!

can somebody please tell me what happens at the end? since im not gonna read the book anyway... does harry die? etc, thanks!

The horcrux's (i assume you know what they are, are the diadem of a house leader, the locket, nagini (voldemorts snake), and a cup of another houseleader...then we learn that, seeing as though there are 7 in total, and Dumbledoor already got rid of 2, there's one more. Voldemort realises that Harry is after them and has destroyed the others, with what he thinks, is only Nagini left to be killed which would inevitably kill voldemort and (with alot here i really cant type because it would take hours) Harry, Hermione and Ron, find Dumbledoors brother Who turns out to own the hogs head, the pub in Hogsmead. And, through a portrait of Dumbledoors sister, Arianna they get to the room of requirment with Nevil, and subsequently through Harry connection of minds with Voldemort nfind that Voldmeort is in the shreiking shack with Nagini, they get there through the Whomping Willow passage, and see Voldmort kill snape and leave the room, They get up and before he dies snape gives harry his memorys, Harry goes to dumbledoors office alone, and gets the pensive, where he looks at snapes memorys, we find out ALOT of stuff, like that Lily Potter was best freinds with snape, and snape gave his life to protect Lily even tough Voldmort didnt spare her, then we find that since Harry has come to hogswarts, it has been Snape protecting him all along from almost all of his encounters, but the main point is....that when Dumbledoors comes back from taking the ring from the gaunts in number 6, and his hand blackens, the blackend hand is more of a virus...and Dumbledoor had only a year to live. So, so to not blow Snapes cover with Voldemort, Dumbledoor tells snape that the time will come that he has to kill him...therefore, Dumbledoor plans his own death. But, theres a twist, as we also find out that when Voldmort tried to Kill harry and the avada-kadavra curse didnt kill him, voldemorts soul ripped for the seventh time, and through Lilys sacrafice for her son, and the re-bound of the curse instead of killing Harry, Voldemort killed some of himself and it drove its way into Harry, making harry the 7th horcrux, meaning to eliminate Voldemort for good, Harry MUST die.

He learns this is the only waty to kill him, and through his valor in being Griffindor, He finds his way to Voldemort, where (i have missed out the battle at Hogwarts, just so you know if it dosent make sense, but Voldemorts called for a stop to it for an hour, to Harry to come to him, if it didnt it would carry on in short terms) he puts up no fight, and waits for Voldemort to send the killing curse, he does and Harry dies. He wakes up naked in some place which he believes is kings cross station, and has a longgg talk to Dumbledoor, where he explains that through Harry sacraficing himself Voldemort didnt kill harry, but killed the part of the soul he had left in him the last time he had tried, therefore, Harry is in a paradox of death, a limbo where he has the CHOICE whether he wants to go back and end the war, or stay with his parents. He chooses to go back after more long talks, And he wakes up to find Volemort laying next to him but not dead..they get Hagrid, whos been a hostage for the death eaters and they march (voldemort and his followerrs to the castle) where Harry is playing dead, they get into the great hall after a fight outside and after a battle its just Harry and Voldemort and the whole school watching, after more explaination and talk, Volemort tries again, but the power from harrys spell, through all his sacrafice overwhelms Voldemorts and Volemorts spell backfires onto himself, and straight kills him. Also, nevil killed Nagini after stepping upto voldemort himself...and the sword of grifindor gave itself to Nevil.

So yeah, Harry dies, but he wasnt properly dead.
Goyle dies.
Fred dies.
Tonks dies.
Lupin dies.
Bellatrix lestrange dies (ms. Weasly kills her! haha!)
Mad-eye moody dies.
Dobby and Hedwig die too.
Snape dies.

In the end, we find that Hermione and Ron mARYY, so does harry and ginny...hope that was good enough for you mate.

Stop with the ****ing spoilers


-le electric

EDIT: Crap sorry, I didn't realise...
Hey, that wasnt a spoiler, all i said is that snape is cool, i didnt spoil anything!

Hey, that wasnt a spoiler, all i said is that snape is cool, i didnt spoil anything!

Well..

You said that you wanted snape to stay evil, one of the main attractions to the book is that snape killed umbledoor mate, people thought he was evil...you ruined it by saying it wasnt.

lol, i dont see why people are going crazy with spoilers now

even tho they got all pissed when i posted mine 2 weeks ago

u guys were all like NO NO WTF U ****** NO SPOILERS

lol, i dont see why people are going crazy with spoilers now

even tho they got all pissed when i posted mine 2 weeks ago

u guys were all like NO NO WTF U ****** NO SPOILERS

Because you werent putting them behind spoilers you plum, im not exactly going to post up spoilers in this thread, until people have all said theve finished it who were active in it.

I dont think the likes of unalive or fliptastic would be pleased if they read what i've put behind spoilers, it would ruin the book.

Ok contained within this spoiler is possibly the funniest version of The Deathly Hallows EVER. I loved it, its long but fun. Enjoy! (Only if youve read the real version already)

A small village in rural England, the sort of place that has an unbelievably high murder rate and unaccountably inept local cops who must rely on sweet old ladies to solve crimes. Two men materialize in front of the gate of a palatial estate.

Yaxley: HAI I IZ DEATHEATER NOT APPEARING IN PREVIOUS BOOKS. YOU HAS NEWS?

Snape: Of course I have news. I'm an evil genius of unaccountable intelligence.

YAXLEY: THAT IZ GOOD. WE B FRENDS?

Snape: Come on, Lord Voldiething is waiting.

YAXLEY: LOOK MALFOY BE HAVING ALBINO PEACOCKS LOLOLOLOLZ!

They enter Malfoy Manor where all the Death Eaters are seated around a SPECTRE table arguing how to take over the world. There is a body floating over the table, but no one is looking at it.

Voldemort: Snape, Yaxley, you're very nearly late. Sit down and have a doughnut, then tell your news.

Snape: The Order of the Phoenix will move Potter from Privet Drive on Saturday.

YAXLEY: LOLZ! THAT IZ NOT WHUT I HERD. THEY IZ MOVING HIM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

Snape: Yaxley, you capering baboon, you're clearly being fed misinformation. Who is Voldemort going to believe, me, or some guy who didn't appear until the seventh book?

Voldemort: Quite right. Snape, I expect you to have plans ready to ambush Potter. Now, I'm going to need a different wand to deal with Potter. Let's see, which of my Death Eaters should I symbolically castrate by taking their wand ... Lucius, you're still on my ****-list, give me yours.

Lucius: Yes, Lord Voldiething.

Voldemort: Hmm, Lucius, your wand is quite a bit shorter than what I'm used to. Only about five and a half inches isn't it?

Lucius: Six, my Lord.

Voldemort: And not as rigid as I'd like. But it'll do. Now Yaxley, how goes our plan to take over the Ministry?

YAXLEY: WE B DOING BY CHAPTER 8.

Voldemort: Excellent. Next order of business, I understand Bellatrix and Cissy have a new addition to their family.

Bellatrix and Narcissa: Whut?

Voldemort: Your niece Tonks married the werewolf Lupin.

Death Eaters: LOL!

Voldemort: Don't worry, Draco, if they need you to babysit their cubs, I'll let you out of your duties for the evening.

Death Eaters: LOLOLOLOLZ!

Voldemort: Shut up! And now to show how evil I am, I'm going to kill a random character. Levitating over the table, you might've noticed Professor Burbage of the Muggle Studies department at Hogwarts. You may never've heard of her, because she's never actually been given a name until now, but I hope the ease with which I point my wand at her and say, "Avada Kadevera" will erase any doubts from your minds that I'm not the baddest mother****er on the block. Now, are there any more chocolate-glazed left?

***

Harry Potter is spending an expository Saturday unpacking his school trunk fully for the first time since Book 1. Being a messy little berk who never listened to his Aunt Petunia about cleaning, the bottom of the trunk is full of detritus from many years at school. One such bit is a shard of the mirror that Sirius gave him in Book 5. "Hmm," Harry thinks, "this never actually served any purpose in the plot, and I haven't spent any time angsting over the fact that if I'd used it instead of breaking into Umbridge's office, Sirius would still be alive. But since there can't be any loose ends in this story, I better keep this shard in case it comes in handy later." Now bored with reminiscing over six books worth of backstory, Harry sits down to read the paper, letting the Daily Prophet do the expositing for him. First up is an obit for Dumbledore written by his old friend Elphias Doge, which tells about what a stand-up bloke ol' Albus was, and how he took care of his poor, sick sister until she died. But it's followed by an article on Rita Skeeter's new tell-all biography which promises to dish the real dirt on Dumbledore.

Later Harry goes downstairs to say good-bye to the Dursleys, who are about to be spirited away by the Order in case Lord Voldiething was crazy enough to try to get to Harry through them. Harry doesn't understand why the Order's wasting the effort when everyone he knows is privately hoping the whole lot will get AKed by Death Eaters. But Hestia Jones and Dedelus Diggle show up on schedule to take the Dursleys away, though not before getting offended that the Dursleys don't fall down and worship Harry as their lord and savior.

Harry: No biggie. They've always been jerks to me, why should this be any different. They've always thought I'm a waste of space.

Dudley: I don't.

Harry: Whut?

Dudley (near tears): I don't think you're a waste of space. You're ... you're my hero. You are the wind beneath my wings.

Harry: WTF?

Dudley: Gimme a hug!

Harry: Okay, time for the Dursleys to go bye-bye.

Hestia and Dedelus hustle the Dursleys out the door, leaving Harry totally alone. He wonders if he has enough time to jerk off in peace for the first time in years, but before he can even unzip his fly, half the Order of the Phoenix shows up -- Moody, Lupin, Arthur, Kingsley, Bill, Fleur, Hagrid, Tonks, Ron, Hermione, Mundungus, Fred, and George. Moody explains that they've leaked misinformation to Lord Voldiething, and he won't be expecting Harry to leave until his birthday, four days hence. But he might have Death Eaters stationed as look-outs, so to fool them, Fleur, Ron, Hermione, Dung, Fred, and George will be drinking polyjuice potion and immitating Harry, then everyone will split up and go their separate ways. Harry doesn't like putting everyone in danger, but reluctantly agrees. The six decoys drink their polyjuice and transform into Harry. They begin changing into Harry-sized clothes right there in the kitchen.

Harry: Hey, hey, hey! Have some modesty!

Hermione: Why? It doesn't matter if you see me naked, because it's not my body.

Harry: No, it's mine!

Hermione: So there's nothing you haven't seen before.

Fleur begins making googly eyes at Bill.

Fleur: You know Bill, zees is geeving me ideas.

Harry: Oh! Oh! Oh! That's not right!

With everyone dressed, they go outside and mount their rides. Harry's in the sidecar of Sirius's old motorcycle, which is now driven by Hagrid. They take off -- and are immediately attacked by Death Eaters. Death Eaters to the left of them. Death Eaters to the right. Death eaters to the front. Suddenly Hedwig dies in a blur of badly photographed text! Millions of children around the world scream while their parents curse Rowling. But Rowling just cackles madly, secure in the knowledge that she's richer than the Queen and has gonads the size of bowling balls.

A vicious aerial battle ensues. Harry's blasting Death Eaters off their brooms left and right until ... he sees Stan Shunpike. "WTF?" he wonders and hesitates before settling on "expelliarmus" instead of a stunner. The Death Eaters recognize this pussy move as a trade mark of Harry's and summon Lord Voldiething to join them. The bike's hit and starts going down, with Voldie in hot pursuit. Harry's wand acts on its own and blasts Voldemort, who dodges and continues closing on Harry. But just as the **** hits the inside of Harry's drawers, Voldie breaks off -- Harry and Hagrid have managed to make it inside the protective charms of their destination, Tonks' parents' house.

Harry and Hagrid take a portkey to the Burrow, where Molly and Ginny are waiting expectantly. None of the others have returned yet. Cue tense dramatic music.

Finally Lupin and George turn up, but George is missing an ear. Oh no, another maimed Weasley! This doesn't bode well for the others. Who still lives? Who died? The tense music ratchets up. Minutes pass. Kingsley and Hermione show up uninjured. More time passes. The music gets even tenser. Fred and Arthur show up.

Fred: ZOMFG MY BROTHER LOST HIZ EAR! WE R NOT IDENTICAL. HOW U FEEL?

George: Saint-like.

Fred: WHUT?

George: Holy!

Fred: LOLZ!

George: Call me One-Ear Weasley.

Fred: LOLOLOLOLZ! 'EAR 'EAR!

But this only relieves the tension slightly. Half the escorts still aren't back. Finally Ron and Tonks show up, followed shortly by Bill and Fleur who have bad news -- Mundungus Fletcher turned chicken**** at the sight of Death Eaters and apparated away, leaving Mad-Eye to be killed by Voldemort.

Arthur: OMFG, it's not even page 100, and three characters are dead.

Hermione: But Burbage doesn't really count. I was the only one who took her classes, and I barely even mentioned her.

Ron: But if they killed Hedwig, anyone can die. Even me, and I still haven't told Hermione how much I love her.

Hermione: What was that last bit?

Ron: Nothing.

***

A few days pass, and the Weasleys busy themselves in preparation for Bill and Fleur's wedding. Ron, Harry and Hermione barely have time to discuss their plans for Horcrux hunting, but finally Harry gets them alone.

Harry: I've been thinking and--

Ron: You think it's too dangerous.

Hermione: And we shouldn't come along.

Harry: How did you know that?

Hermione: Harry, you're a good guy, but as characters go you're kinda predictable. And anyways, we are going.

Ron: Yeah, we've made preparations and everything. I've bewitched the ghoul who lives in the attic to look like me with spattergroit, so if anyone wonders why I'm not at school my parents will have something to say.

Hermione: And I used a memory charm on my parents.

Harry: Whut?

Hermione: I altered their memories so they think they're a retired couple with no children who are moving to Australia to live.

Harry: Whut?

Ron: Wow, Hermione, that is ****ing hardcore.

Hermione: Just call me John Holmes, *****.

***

Harry's birthday happens to be the day before Bill and Fleur's wedding, so he asks for just a small party, with Hagrid, Tonks, and Lupin present. That morning he's going downstairs for breakfast when Ginny calls him into her room to receive his present. When he walks in, he sees she has a bunch of candles and incense burning, and she's somehow procured a Barry White album, which is playing softly. Ginny says, "I want to give you something extra special," and kisses him passionately. Harry's wand presses uncomfortably against him in his pocket, and he feels the need to whip it out and shoot off some sparks. But just then Ron walks in.

Ron: Oi! Stop seducing my sister. And you, stop being such a round-heels. I'm tired of hearing stories about you in the boys dormitory.

***

That night after dinner, Rufus Scrimgeour, Minister of Magic shows up with important news.

Scrimgeour: I IZ B COMING WIT NEWS OF DUMBLEDORES WILL. HE B LEAVING THINGS 2 HARRY RON AND HERMIONE.

Ron: Free stuff?

Scrimgeour: BUT FIRST I B KNOWING WHY HE IZ GIVING U THIS THINGS.

Hermione: Wait a minute, Dumbledore died a full month ago. Why has it taken so long to give us his things.

Scrimgeour: WIZARD PROBATE B A LONG PROCESS.

Hermione: Horsehockey. You were examining the items.

Scrimgeour: THAT IZ RITE. THAT B PROPER PROCESS.

Hermione: Actually, under Article 5, Section 3(c)iv of the Wizarding code, you can only do that if you suspect the objects contain dark magic or violate other regulations.

Scrimgeour and Hermione begin arguing the finer points of probate law.

Scrimgeour: U WANTING BEING WIZARD LAWYER?

Hermione: No, I want to do something useful with my life. Now just give us what Dumbledore left us.

Scrimgeour reluctantly gives Dumbledore's deluminator to Ron, a runic book of fairy tales to Hermione, and a snitch to Harry, which is supposedly the one he caught in his first Quidditch match.

Scrimgeour: THERE B 1 OTTER THING. DUMBLEDORE IZ LEAVING HARRY THE SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR. BUT THE SWORD NO B HIZ TO GIVE. IT BELONGS TO HOGWARTZ SO U CANT HAVE IT. NOW I B SAYING GOODNIGHT.

Ron, Harry, and Hermione spend the rest of the night debating what the gifts are for, but soon realize that Dumbledore was an inscrutable ass who could never give a straight answer.

***

Fleur and Bill's wedding goes off without a hitch, but the reception afterwards is pure hell. Luna's father, Xenophilius Lovegood is wearing an arcane symbol that Viktor Krum claims is the sigil of Grindelwald, and gets into an argument. Harry, disguised as a distant cousin of the Weasleys, gets cornered by Ron's Aunt Muriel who tells him all sorts of nasty stories about Dumbledore -- apparently Big D's sister wasn't ill but a squib who was kept hidden in the cupboard under the stairs. After Dumbledore's mother died, the sister followed suit under mysterious circumstances, and Dumbledore got into a fist fight with his brother Aberforth at the funeral. Just as Harry's about to have an existential crisis like he did in Book 5 after finding out his father was a jerk, Kingsley's patronus appears and announces Voldemort's staged a coup against the Ministry of Magic. All hell breaks loose, and a few seconds later Death Eaters start materializing.

Hermione grabs Ron and Harry and apparates them into London. They're still wearing their wedding clothes, which is drawing unwanted attention, but Hermione reveals that she turned her beaded purse into a Handbag of Holding, and packed everything they'll need for their quest inside -- you know, just in case the wedding was unexpectedly attacked by Death Eaters and they had to make it on the lam with no notice. After changing clothes in a dark alleyway, they try to find a cafe where they can sit and think. Along the way they're accosted by some drunken muggles.

Muggle 1: HAI BABY UR TEH SEX!

MUGGLE 2: OMFG UR HAWT! LOLOLOLOLZ! DUMP TEH GINGER AND COME HERE FOR A GOOD TIME.

Hermione restrains Ron and leads them into a cafe where she orders them some half-caf extra mocha latte espressos.

Ron: Muggles drink this ****? I want some pumpkin juice.

Just then some Death Eaters burst in and a big fight ensues. After knocking out the DEs, the trio escape to the one place they have a reasonable expectation of privacy -- 12 Grimmauld Place.

Ron: Are you sure this place is safe?

Hermione: Oh yes, Rowling's revised the rules for secret keepers again. Turns out that when the keeper dies, everyone who knows the secret becomes the new keeper. Snape of course knows where we are, but the Order's cast jinxes that'll prevent him from revealing the information to anyone else, so unless he shows up in person, we're safe.

The next morning, Harry explores the house, going to Sirius's old room for the first time and finding it covered with pictures from FHM and Harley Davidson brochures. As he leaves, he notices a sign on the door opposite Sirius's -- "Regulus Arcturus Black".

Harry: Hmm, this might be a clue. But what could it mean? Regulus Arcturus Black. Hey, his initials are RAB, just like the guy who stole the locket from the cave. I wonder if they're the same person? Wow, Hermione will be so proud that I used my brain for once.

After discussing things with Hermione and Ron, they decide to call upon Kreacher and interrogate him to see if he knows where the locket disappeared to.

Ron: Just don't start any of that SPEW **** again, Hermione. Three books of it is more than enough.

Hermione: I won't drop it until it has some dramatic pay-off, so quit asking.

Kreacher appears at Harry's command and begins muttering about mudbloods and blood-traitors, but Harry orders him to be quiet and tell them about Regulus and the locket.

According to Kreacher, Regulus loaned him to Voldemort so Voldie could set up the protections around the Horcrux in the cave. When he was through, Voldie left Kreacher stranded on the island to die. Just as the elf was about to be eaten by inferi, Regulus commanded Kreacher to return, and he apparated to Grimmauld Place. Regulus really didn't like Voldemort's treatment of the elf, so he vowed revenge, taking Kreacher back with him to the cave. Knowing he'd die if he drank the potion protecting the Horcrux, Regulus instructed Kreacher to take the locket back to Grimmauld place and destroy it if he could -- which of course he couldn't, because Horcruxes have to be taken to Mount Doom, in the heart of Mordor, and thrown into the fiery depths. Or at least stabbed by a basilisk tooth. And so the locket stayed in the house for years, until after Sirius' death Mundungus Fletcher showed up and began stealing heirlooms to fence in Diagon Alley.

Harry: We need your help Kreacher.

Kreacher: Filthy blood traitors and their mudblood friend need my help, do they?

Ron: Don't call her a mudblood you filthy sub-human!

Hermione: Harry, Ron, can I talk to you?

Harry: Sure, what is it.

Hermione: Don't you get it?

Harry: Whut?

Hermione: Of course you don't. Dumbledore knew you were a moron the moment you stepped into Hogwarts, and asked me to befriend you and make sure you kept your grades up so you'd make it through long enough to fulfill his plan. Six years of my life wasted feeding you answers, you dim-witted ****ard.

Harry: What, I didn't hear that.

Hermione: Kreacher didn't love Regulus and the rest of the family because they were dark wizards. He loved them because they treated him kindly. And he hated Sirius, who was always an ass to him. That's why Winky was so loyal to Mr. Crouch, who was always good to her, but Dobby betrayed the Malfoys, who punished him severely.

Harry: So ... if I treat Kreacher well, he'll do what he's told without trying to double-cross us?

Ron: I still don't trust the little snot-rag.

Harry: Kreacher, I have a task for you. Go out and find Mundungus and bring him here. And here, this is the locket Regulus had when he went to the cave. I think he'd want you to have it.

And in Whoville that day, Kreacher's heart grew three sizes. And he said, "Yes master, I will find the nasty, tricksy Mundungus and drag him here by the hair!"

***

But days went by without Kreacher returning. The trio sat in Grimmauld place with nothing to do, while Death Eaters gathered outside, sure number 12 was somewhere close by even though they couldn't see it. Then one afternoon late in summer, Lupin drops by for tea, bringing news of the world at large. Seems Voldemort kept his take over of the Ministry quiet -- the official line is Scrimgeour resigned to spend more time with his family (in Hell!) and the new Minister, one Thicknesse, is implementing many reforms. Most people know there's something up, but they're too scared to say anything. Members of the Order are under constant surveillance, and they've put out wanted notices for Harry, saying he murdered Dumbledore. The Ministry's "reforms" include rounding up first-generation mudbloods and sending them to Azkaghraib, on the grounds that muggles don't give birth to wizards, so mudbloods must be stealing their powers from real wizards. The Ministry has also made attendance at Hogwarts compulsory.

Hermione: Well, that doesn't sound to bad. Most liberal Western societies have compulsory education for underage children.

Lupin: Nah, it's just Voldemort's ploy to make sure everyone's taught his new order. He's appointed a new headmaster -- Snape. And placed Death Eaters in teaching positions. I guess it's a good thing you're dropping out to go on this quest. Mind telling me what it is.

Harry: Sorry, Dumbledore told me to keep it secret.

Lupin: Then let me come along, just don't tell me what we're doing.

Ron: Don't you, uh, have a wife to be looking after.

Lupin: Yeah, well, see, I knocked her up on our wedding night, and she doesn't want to put out while she's pregnant, so it's going to be like seven months before I have any reason to return home.

Hermione: That is disgusting! Go back to Tonks right this instant and apologize. No, I take that back, stop by the corner market and pick up some ice cream and pickles for her to eat. Bastard.

Lupin leaves, and a few minutes later Kreacher arrives with a struggling Mundungus. Harry thanks Kreacher and then begins interrogating Mundungus, who won't talk until Kreacher begins beating him over the head with a frying pan.

Harry: Kreacher, stop.

Kreacher: Perhaps one more. For luck.

Ron: LOLOLOLZ!

The trio soon discover that Mundungus had the locket, but he gave it to Dolores Umbridge as a bribe so she'd ignore his peddling stolen goods in Diagon Alley.

***

And so the trio begin making plans to break into the Ministry and steal the locket from Umbridge -- because it's obviously easier to sneak the most wanted wizard in Britain into the Ministry, which has now had its security reinforced, than to discover where Umbridge lives and raiding her home. But at least they have sense enough to make a plan this time, instead of simply barging into the Ministry in the middle of the night.

No, this time they're going to be sneaky, and ambush three Ministry officials who arrive for work early, and use polyjuice potion to imitate them. The plan works fine, until they get past the lobby. Harry's disguise is fine -- he's a bad-ass Death Eater whom no one's going to question, but Ron's a maintenance worker who gets cornered by Death Eater Yaxley.

Yaxley: UR BEING MAINTENANCE WORKER CATTERMOLE? UR WIFE IZ BEING TRIED B4 MUGGLE-BORN REGISTRATION COMMISSION TODAY. I IZ ON COMMISSION. IT B RAINING IN MY OFFICE. MAKE STOP RANE IF YOU B WANTING UR WIFE GET OFF.

And to top it off, Hermione is Mafalda Hopkirk, who's needed by Umbridge to take notes at the same Muggle-Born Registration Commission hearings. This leaves Harry to sneak into Umbridge's office on his own, though of course the locket isn't there. With nothing else to do, he puts on his invisibility cloak and sneaks into the Muggle-Born Commission hearings just in time to see Mary Cattermole being brought before the tribunal, which consists of Umbridge, Yaxley, and Hermione/Mafalda.

Umbridge: Mrs. Cattermole, if that is your name, is it not true that you are muggle born?

Mrs. Cattermole: That's correct.

Umbridge: Do you weigh more than a duck?

Mrs. Cattermole: What?

Umbridge: It's a simple question, do you weigh more than a duck?

Mrs. Cattermole: Of course I do.

Umbridge: Interesting. Interesting. And your parents are greengrocers, very unfortunate, you dirty mudblood. This isn't looking good for you, you know.

Harry: Of for Christ's sake! Stupefy!

Harry whips off his cloak and blasts Umbridge and Yaxley. Hermione takes the locket from Umbridge.

Hermione: What happened to our plan?

Harry: Changed my mind. Come on, there are tons more muggle-borns out in the hall, we have to get them out of here.

So Harry and Hermione herd the muggle-borns up to the lobby, telling them to go home, get their families, and flee the country, but by the time they get to the main entrance security's been alerted and the exits are being closed, but Harry uses his Death Eater disguise to get the muggle-borns out. It might even have worked, if Ron hadn't shown up just then, followed closely by the real Mr. Cattermole. Even TSA employees could figure out something's wrong, and the Death Eaters in security are smarter than TSA employees. The trio make a run for it and apparate as soon as they're clear of the Ministry, but one of the Death Eaters grabs ahold of Hermione and follows them to Grimmauld place. Hermione realizes this means their security's compromised and shakes him loose before apparating into a forest.

***

Hermione, of course, has thought of everything, and packed a wizarding tent in her handbag, so the trio can live fairly comfortably, though they lack food. They spend the following weeks wandering constantly, never staying put for more than a few days at a time. During their meanderings around England, they realize the first problem with their quest -- they don't have anything to destroy a Horcrux with, so they have to carry the locket with them until they come up with something. But like another small, golden dingus imbued with part of an Evil Overlord's soul, carrying the locket around their necks for too long affects their moods, making them despair. Even taking turns with the locket doesn't help matters much, and Ron takes it worst, reverting to emo-Ron from Book 4.

Meanwhile, Harry finds himself having waking dreams about Voldemort, the connection between their minds becoming stronger once more. Luckily for Harry, he only ever glimpses important, plot advancing events, and never anything mundane like Voldie sitting on the toilet, or having breakfast. Harry sees Voldie torturing Olivander, the wandmaker who disappeared in the previous book, for information on the workings of wands. When that proves to be no use, Voldie sets out for the continent, in search of the wandmaker Gregorovitch. When he tracks him down, Gregorovitch denies having what Voldemort's searching for. Voldie uses legilimency to look into Gregorovitch's mind and learns that the object he wants was stolen by a young blonde boy long ago.

One night while camping, the trio overhears some other people nearby. Without giving their location away, they listen in on the conversation, which is between several goblins and muggle-borns who are on the lam, among them Dean Thomas and Tonks' father Ted. Seems lots of wizards and goblins are taking to the hills rather than submit, but many people are losing hope since it seems Harry has left the country. One of the goblins, Griphook, relates a story he heard from Bill Weasley before leaving Gringotts -- it seems that Ginny, Neville, and Luna were caught breaking into Snape's office and stealing the Sword of Gryffindor. Snape sent them to the Forbidden Forest for detention with Hagrid, then shipped the sword to Bellatrix Lestrange's vault at Gringotts. But, according to Griphook, the sword they received was a fake, not made from goblins.

Ron: Man, I wish I was back at Hogwarts breaking into the Headmaster's office. It'd be something to do, instead of sitting here doing nothing. Excuse me, I'm going to go listen to The Smiths.

Hermione: Harry, I just realized something. Goblin-forged steel takes on the properties of substances its exposed to. And since you used the sword to kill the basilisk, that means it has the properties of a basilisk -- if we had the sword we could destroy the locket.

But they don't know where the sword is any more than they know about the other Horcruxes. They spend months crisscrossing England with no luck. And all the time Ron's becoming more depressed, moving past The Smiths into Rainer Maria and the Silversun Pickups. Hermione's attempts to cheer him up with some ska music do no good. Finally one night he throws a hissy-fit about how Harry doesn't know what he's doing, and when Hermione doesn't back him up, he walks out like the whiney ***** he is.

***

Harry and Hermione spend many more pages wandering the countryside, pausing occasionally to mail out videotapes of Harry, now with a bushy long beard and sitting in mountain meadows, threatening the Great Satan Voldemort if he does not withdraw his troops from Diagon Alley. Hermione insists they make a bunch of these videos, all containing non-specific rants, so they can continue to send them out even if Harry dies in a cave somewhere never to be found. But they needn't worry, because Voldemort has pretty much given up looking for them and is busy sending mudbloods to Azkaghraib and plotting the invasion of Iraq. Okay, maybe that last part isn't accurate.

Anyway, winter comes and they still haven't figured out where the Sword of Gryffindor or the remaining Horcruxes are. Harry's been suggesting for months that they visit Godric's Hollow, but Hermione's been gainsaying him constantly. But suddenly she changes her mind.

Hermione: I think we should definitely go. I've been thinking, and Dumbledore probably figured that the Ministry of Magic wouldn't let us have the sword, so he substituted a fake one and hid the real one somewhere he knew we'd be bound to look. Like Godric's Hollow.

Harry: How do you figure?

Hermione: It's GODRIC's Hollow.

Harry: So?

Hermione: We're looking for the sword of GODRIC Gryffindor.

Harry: Yeah?

Hermione: So ... Dumbledore would've expected us to look for the sword in Gryffindor's home town.

Harry: Where's that? Hogsmead?

Hermione: No, Godric's Hollow.

Harry: Huh, I never knew that.

Hermione: Tell me, Harry, did Fred and George routinely beat you over the head during Quidditch practice.

Harry: Yeah, they said it was part of the warm-ups.

Hermione: We are so ****ing doomed.

Harry: What was that?

Hermione: Nothing.

***

And so on Christmas Eve Harry and Hermione apparated to Godric's Hollow and spent a merry evening wandering around to see the sights -- the enchanted war memorial that turned into a Potter memorial for wizards, and the vacant lot where the Potter house used to stand, the dark alley where Harry had been conceived one Halloween night, which was now full of broken beer bottles, hypodermic needles, and discarded condoms. And finally, they visited the cemetery and set about searching for the Potter plot. Before they find it, though, Hermione spots something else, a gravestone for one Ignotus Peverell, which has a curious mark engraved upon it.

Hermione: I've seen this before. It's in the book of fairy tales Dumbledore left me.

Harry: I've seen it to. Remember, this is what Luna's father was wearing at the wedding -- Krum thought it was Grindelwald's symbol. Do you think it's important?

Hermione: No dear, I'm sure it's just a meaningless coincidence.

They eventually find the Potters' graves.

Harry: Hermione, look at this. The dates on these graves. My parents were born in 1960 and died in 1981. That means it's late 1996 right now. By the time anyone reads this, I'll be like 27.

Hermione: You know what this means, Harry? Your mother ... your mother had Farrah hair!

Harry: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

And so, as always happens when Harry thinks of his mother, Harry drops to his knees and cries like a little *****. Hermione spots something moving by the edge of the cemetery. She pulls Harry away and they go to investigate. What they find is an extremely frail old woman whom they recognize as Bathilda Bagshot, the author of their History of Magic text book, and, as they know from Rita Skeeter's articles, an old friend of Dumbledore's.

Bathilda's strangely silent as she leads Harry and Hermione back to her house, but the pair follow in the hopes that she has exposition to give them. "We haven't had any real info dumps since we overheard Dean and the others camping. It's about time we get some," Hermione said.

When they reach Bathilda's house, she leads Harry upstairs alone. In her bedroom, Harry looks around and notices some old pictures, including one of Dumbledore and the blonde teenager who robbed Gregorovitch. He picks it up to look at it, then hears something strange behind him. Harry turns and sees Bathilda doing something very odd.

Harry: Mrs. Bagshot, are you trying to seduce me?

Suddenly Bathilda's head falls of and Voldemort's snake, Nagini, shoots out of her shoulders.

Harry: WTF?

Nagini: PWND!

The snake attacks Harry,

Harry: WTF!?!?!?!?!?

Hermione rushes in, grabs Harry, and apparates them away, though in the process she breaks Harry's wand. Harry loses consciousness and has a vision of Voldemort flying to Bathilda's house and finding the picture of Dumbledore and the blonde man.

When he regains consciousness, he tells Hermione about the vision.

Harry: I know I've seen the blonde guy before.

Hermione: Well, he was in a picture with Dumbledore. I just happen to have a copy of Rita Skeeter's book in my Handbag of Holding. Let's see if he's in here. Hmm is this it?

Harry looks and sees the man from the picture. He looks over at the caption, which identifies him as Grindelwald. Not believing it, Harry starts reading the book, which records a most unbelievable story -- after Dumbledore's mom died and Big D. settled down to take care of his family, Grindelwald came to visit his aunt Bathilda. Dumbledore and Grindelwald became BFFs, and exchanged letters detailing their plans to overthrow muggle governments and rule as beneficent dictators, killing only those who got in their way. Skeeter also claims that Grindelwald left the country on the very night that Dumbledore's sister died, and insinuates that the two young wizards had decided to put their theories into effect by starting on Dumbledore's squib sister.

Harry: Jesus Christ, can't I have one parental figure who wasn't a complete ass at some point?

Hermione: Well, Dumbledore was young when he thought those things.

Harry: He was our age!

***

A few nights later, Harry is sitting watch when he sees something move in the woods. He looks and sees a patronus -- a silver doe -- moving through the forest. He gets and follows it to a frozen pool. Looking down he sees the Sword of Gryffindor under the ice.

Harry: Well, that's an unexpected plot contrivance.

So he uses his wand to break the ice and dives in, but when he grabs the sword, the locket chain tightens around his throat. "Ack," he thinks, "this isn't Lord of the Rings!" But the locket won't let go, and just as he's about to pass out a hand reaches down and grabs him.

Harry: Ron!

Harry rushes to embrace his friend, but Ron holds his arms up to stop him.

Ron: Whoa mate, you're naked. At least cover your junk first.

Harry: It's okay, the water's cold so it's all shriveled up.

They hug.

Both: Fag!

Ron says he'll retrieve the sword, and Harry sits down and tries to warm up with his wand. Ron comes back up with the sword.

Ron: All right, now you can destroy the locket.

Harry: No, Ron, I think the honor should be yours. You retrieved the sword.

Ron: I don't want to. That's the reason I left -- any time I wore it, it'd talk to me. Tell me awful things. I couldn't stand it.

Harry: Well, all you have to do is destroy. That's the way these things go. The heroes journey and all that Star Wars BS.

Ron: Well, okay.

He raises the sword but hesitates. Then the locket opens up and two figures emerge -- shades of Harry and Hermione.

!Hermione: HAI LOOK THE WEASEL KING IZ GOING TO KILL US!!!!!11!!!!!11!!!! LOLOLOLOLZ!

!Harry: LOLOLOLOLZ! ROONIL, NOBODY LIKEZ U. UR A LUSER! EVEN UR MOM HATES U. SHE TOLD ME SHE WISHED I WAZ HER SON!

!Hermione: WHUT WOMAN WOULD EVER WANT U. U ARE A LUSER. ESPECIALLY WHEN COMPARED TO HIM.

!Hermione and !Harry begin to make out passionately, throwing each other's clothes off. Ron launches himself at them, hacking them to pieces, then turns and smashes the locket. There's a horrible scream as the locket shoots blood-like goo everywhere.

Harry: Ron, you should know better than to fear things like that. Why after you left, Hermione cried for weeks. She may've been on the rag for a few of those days, but not the whole time. She really missed you. And at night when I was standing watch, I'd hear her making weird moaning noises in her sleep and calling your name.

Ron: There's nothing between you.

Harry: She's like a sister to me. I think of her like you think of Ginny. And I think of Ginny like you think of Hermione.

Ron: You sonuva*****!

Ron chases Harry back to the tent where they wake up Hermione. But Hermione is in no mood to see Ron.

Hermione: You bastard. You thought you could just walk out and leave us [...][5 pages later] and another thing, you're an inconsiderate git! If your mother were here, she'd paddle your ass, but I guess I'll have to do it instead.

Ron: Re-sult!

Hermione eventually calms down and Ron has a chance to tell his story, which is even less eventful than what happened to Harry and Hermione. He apparated away and ran into a band of Snatchers, bounty hunters looking for runaway goblins, underage wizards, and muggle-borns. Ron spun a line of BS to get away and ended up at Bill's house because he was too ashamed to face his parents. Bad things are going on out there -- lots of muggle-borns have been killed, most of the Order is in hiding, and the Ministry's set up a spell to detect anyone saying "Voldiepants". He sat in his room for the better part of a month playing with his deluminator and thinking about Hermione. Then one night the deluminator produced a deus-ex-machina which transported him into the forest where he found Harry.

Hermione: Well that was convenient.

***

The next day Hermione suggests they go visit Luna's father to question him about the mysterious symbol he was wearing at Bill's wedding, and maybe learn what's going on at Hogwarts from Luna, who should be there on break. They arrive at the Lovegood place, a tower a few miles from the Burrow and greet Mr. Lovegood, who looks none to pleased to see them, even though the Quibbler has been keeping up a constant stream of pro-Potter/anti-Voldemort stories.

His house is full of the wizarding equivalent of crystals and pyramids, including one object he insists is a crumple-horn snorkack horn, though Hermione insists it's something else entirely, and potentially explosive. Mr. Lovegood ignores her and explains that Luna is off fishing somewhere, and he'll send for her.

Me: Yay Luna!

When he comes back Hermione asks about the symbol, which he in turn explains is an ancient sign representing the ... DEATHLY HALLOWS. And so, after 404 pages, we finally come to the title. The Hallows, Mr. Lovegood says, are mysterious artifacts associated with an old wizarding fairy tale called "The Three Brothers." Not coincidentally, this is one of the tales in the book Dumbledore gave Hermione. It's about a trio of brothers who outwit Death, and in payment Death offers them each a reward of their choice. The first brother asks for a wand that cannot be beaten in battle, the second for a way of making the dead return, and the third for a cloak of perfect invisibility. Death grants all their requests. The first brother goes off and gets drunk at the first inn he comes to and brags about his new wand. That night someone sneaks into his room and murders him for it. The second brother returns to his bachelor pad and uses the resurrection stone to call back his dead love, but he finds himself unable to touch her. Eventually he kills himself so he can be with her truly. But the third brother goes off under his cloak and lives a full life, then one day he decides he's had enough, removes the cloak, and greets Death as an old friend.

Hermione: It's very metaphorical. Those who try to avoid death bring him sooner, while those who accept him will live long lives.

Mr. Lovegood: That's not it at all, silly girl. The Hallows are real. The wand in particular has a long and bloody recorded history.

Hermione: There are plenty of tales of uber-wands, but they don't amount to much, just wizards with giant egos trying to convince people that their's is the most powerful. No one's ever seen this stone, and there are plenty of invisibility cloaks out there.

Mr. Lovegood: Enchanted bits of cloth that lose their charm with age. But a cloak that doesn't wear, that continues to work for more than a few years, there's never been anything like that apart from the Hallows.

Ron, Hermione and Harry look at each other.

Me: Where's Luna?

Hermione: So all these objects are real?

Mr. Lovegood: Of course, just like the crumple-horn snorkack. Excuse me, I need to check something. I'll be right back.
Ron: Harry, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Harry: Yes, Ron, but where are we going to hang a nargle-infested sprig of mistletoe over Voldemort?

Ron: No, the uber-wand! Think of what we could do with that.

Hermione: Ron, how many times do I have to tell you, it doesn't matter how powerful your wand is -- it's all about how you wave it.

Harry: Jesus, will you two just **** already!

Harry gets up in disgust and wanders around the room. He sees the stairs leading up to Luna's room

Me: Jeez, where is Luna already? We've already had two chapters with her father and she hasn't shown up.

Harry climbs the stairs and sees that Luna's painted her room with a mural of him, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Neville, and linked them all with a fine chain of the word "friends" repeated over and over.

Me: Awwww. I wish Harry would kick that slut Ginny to the curb and go out with Luna instead.

Looking around, Harry notices the room is rather dusty and there aren't any clothes in the wardrobe. He climbs down the stairs.

Harry: Mr. Lovegood! Where's Luna?

Me: Finally!

Mr. Lovegood: She'll be along shortly.

Harry: No one's been in her room for a while.

Hermione: Harry, look at this.

She's picked up a copy of the Quibbler which shows Harry on the front, captioned "UNDESIRABLE 1".

Mr. Lovegood: They've taken her, the Death Eaters. This is the only way.

Harry looks out the window and sees a pair of Death Eaters approaching on brooms. Mr. Lovegood tries to stun the trio, but he misses and blows up the faux snorkack horn, creating a mess of rubble where the trio can hide, hoping the Death Eaters will assume Mr. Lovegood is just a crank and leave. But the DEs aren't entirely dim for once. Hermione throws the invisibility cloak over Ron, then blasts a hole in the wall so the DEs will see Harry before the apparate and not harm Mr. Lovegood.

***

And so it's back to the woods for the trio, for more fun adventures of sitting around doing nothing for months on end while they wait for the plot to fall into their laps. Let's here it for proactive protags! The trio spend most of their time, when they aren't gathering nuts and berries, debating whether they should continue after the Horcruxes or go after the Deathly Hallows.

Hermione: But they don't exist. It's completely absurd to believe in them.

Harry: But dragons, three headed dogs, philosopher stones, extendable ears are believable?

Hermione: That's not the point. Who's ever seen any of these objects.

Ron: Well, there are lots of stories about wizards who've owned super-wands. Maybe they're all teh same one, the uber-wand.

Hermione: Notice how all those legends involve wizards, never witches. Clearly they were trying to compensate for other inadequacies by saying they had the biggest wand around.

Ron: I'd take it if I could. People would respect me then.

Hermione: Case in point.

Ron: Whut?

Harry: Anyway, we know the cloak exists -- my invisibility cloak has powers that normal ones don't. It's completely undetectable.

Hermione: True. Except by Moody's eye and the Marauders Map.

Harry: Details, details. It's obviously an uber-cloak. And I've been thinking, the ring Horcrux Dumbledore destroyed last year had a funny symbol on it, and it could've been the sign of the Deathly Hallows. So why can't the uber-wand be real? I think Voldepants thinks--

Death Eaters apparate around them. Hermione reacts immediately and curses Harry's face so it becomes covered with boils.

Ron: Didn't I tell you five chapters ago that the Ministry set up a spell that detects anyone saying You-Know-Who's name?

The Death Eaters put the trio with two other prisoners -- Dean Thomas, and the goblin Griphook. Thinking they've captured a bunch of truants, they're about to take the five of them to the Ministry for their reward when someone recognizes Hermione from a wanted poster. Again the Death Eaters aren't total idiots, proving the Voldemort's implemented stricter hiring measures since his return to power, and deduce that Ron must be a Weasley and pus-face is Harry. So instead of going to the Ministry, they decide to head for DE Central -- Malfoy Manor.

Narcissa: We can't just some the Dark Lord because we think we have Potter. We have to know the truth. Draco, come down here!

Draco comes down from his bedroom, his eyes wide and glassy and a strange scent of incense clinging to him.

Draco: What do you need? I have something I need to do at 4:20.

Narcissa: Is this boy Harry Potter?

Draco squints.

Draco: I dunno. Is he?

Narcissa: What about these two? Do you recognize either of them?

Draco: Maybe. Can't tell.

Lucius: What are you talking about -- that's clearly the mudblood Granger, and this is one of the Weasleys. I don't know if that misshapen hulk is Potter, but he has something like a scar on his forehead.

Bellatrix: Then we should summon the Dark Lord. He will be most pleased with me. Perhaps he'll let me do that thing where I put a marshmallow in his--

Suddenly Bellatrix turned bright crimson. Harry realized there were many things he still didn't understand about the wizarding world.

Lucius: This is my house, I shall summon him.

Lucius pulls up his sleeve and moves his hand to touch his Dark Mark, but then Bellatrix screams -- "STOP!" She's just seen one of the Death Eaters is holding the Sword of Gryffindor.

Bellatrix: If you summon him now, he'll punish us most severely.

Lucius: Not--

Bellatrix: Yes, I'm afraid it'll be the comfy chair for the lot of us. We must interrogate them before we summon the Dark Lord. Let's see, the mudblood first, I should think. Draco, fetch my leather bustier and the paddle -- no, better make it the riding crop.

Ron: No, not Hermione take me instead!

Bellatrix looks at him appraisingly and shakes her head.

Bellatrix: Please. I'll take the goblin before you.

Everyone but Hermione is taken to the cellar, where they're locked in with two other people -- Mr. Olivander, the wandmaker Voldemort had been interrogating, and Luna Lovegood. Hermione's screams can be heard from above.

Hermione: No! No! Not the clamps!

Ron: You betch! Leave her alone!

Harry begins going through the pouch hanging around his neck, which in a stroke of authorial fiat the Malfoys hadn't confiscated, to see if he had anything useful. The snitch Dumbledore had given him, which served no purpose that he could determine. His broken wand. Ah-ha! The shard of the mirror Sirius had given him. If it was ever going to accomplish anything, now was the time. He looked into the sliver of glass and saw a bright blue eye staring back.

Harry: Dumbledore? Is that you? Anyway, I need help. We're in the Malfoy's basement.

Hermione: No, no, please don't tickle me. Not the feet. Anywhere but the feet!

Ron: If I ever get out of here, I'm going to kill Bellatrix.

There's a loud popping noise as Dobby apparates into the dungeon.

Harry: Thank God the author's on my side. Dobby, we need your help. Take Luna, Dean, Mr. Olivander, and Griphook to Ron's brother's house, then come back for us, okay?

Dobby: Mesa be doing whatever you be saying, masa!

Dobby takes everyone but Harry and Ron and apparates away, but Lucius here's the noise and sends Wormtail down to investigate. Harry has seen enough Star Trek episodes during his time with the Dursleys to know how to deal with the situation, and has Ron set a distraction with the deluminator so they can take Wormtail from behind.

Even though Wormtail's a small little git who needs others to protect him, he manages to put up a good fight against two 17 year old boys. He's just about to strangle Harry, when Harry reminds him that he saved his life once. Wormtail hesitates for just a second, but that's all it takes. Wormtail's silver hand comes to life and starts to choke him. Wormtail struggles against it, but he can't stop. His last words are, "Mein Fuhrer, I can valk!"

Harry takes Wormtail's wand and leads Ron upstairs to free Hermione. Yet another action sequence ensues, in which Harry manages to disarm Draco and Bellatrix, and free Hermione. Dobby apparates in and they grab ahold of him to leave, but just as they do Bellatrix hurls a dagger at them, catching Dobby in the heart. Bellatrix rawks!

***

But even in death, Dobby's suckitude can't be stopped. Harry spends several minutes crying over his CGI corpse and empty, glassy eyes, then takes most of a chapter burying the miserable creature, then more time is wasted on a funeral service, the only highlight of which is that my beloved Luna gives a simple eulogy which leaves everyone else with nothing to say. And finally, the story can move on.

Harry: Listen, Bill, I need to talk to Olivander and the goblin Griphook.

Bill: They're both in a bad way, I'm afraid. I don't know that it'd be a good idea to bother them right now.

Harry: This is important. They both have vital, need-to-know exposition to give me.

Bill: Well, if it's a narrative expediency, I guess I can allow it.

Ron, Hermione, and Harry all go to Griphook's room.

Harry: The way I see it, Bellatrix wigged out when she saw the Sword of Gryffindor -- she must've figured we'd broken into her vault to get it. And she didn't want to call Voldemort after she realized that. Why? There must be something else in her vault, something that would make Voldemort very mad if we got.

Ron: Blimey, you don't think it's a Horcrux?

Harry: I do. And don't talk like such a cliche.

Hermione: So what we have to do is break into Gringotts.

Griphook: It'll be difficult. But I'll do it ... if you give me the Sword of Gryffindor. It's ours anyway. Gryffindor stole it.

Ron: No he didn't. He paid for it fair-and-square. Typical goblin behavior. All they're interested in is gold.

Hermione: Ron, STFU.

Harry: Okay, we'll give you the sword.

The trio get up to visit Mr. Olivander's room.

Harry: Mr. Olivander, I need you to give me an infodump on wands. How does a wand change masters.

Mr. Olivander: Any wand will work for any wizard, though some not as well as others. Normally a wand chooses its wizard, but if you take another wizard's wand during combat it will respect you as its rightful master.

Harry: This applies to all wands? Even the uber-wand?

Mr. Olivander: Legend says the uber-wand can only change hand by killing the rightful owner, but I suspect that's just a myth and it only changes hand in such a manner because so many people are after it. Defeating the owner in battle should suffice.

Harry takes out the three wands they got at Malfoy Manor. Ron disarmed Wormtail, so he gets that one. Harry tests Bellatrix's and Draco's, and decides on Draco's, which is a bit short, but pleasantly thick in his hand. It feels right to him. This leaves Hermione with Bellatrix's.

Later on the trio discuss what to do about giving Griphook the Sword of Gryffindor.

Ron: I don't like it. We need it for our mission. We should give him the fake sword from the vault.

Hermione: Ron, that would be extremely dishonest.

Ron: Cheating a goblin doesn't count. His kind are all money-grubbers looking to cheat wizards. They also steal our children and use their blood for religious ceremonies.

Hermione: That's not true.

Ron: It's all in the Protocols of Gobbledobble.

Hermione: Whatever. Griphook recognized the fake when Bellatrix took it to Gringotts in the first place; he'll recognize it if we try to pass it off to him.

Harry: I know. I've been thinking, and we didn't tell him when we'd turn the sword over, just after we break into the vault. I say we keep it with us until we destroy all the Horcruxes, then give it to him.

Hermione: You're just setting up an unnecessary plot complication.

Harry: Ooo, wait, I'm getting another plot-vision. Yes, it's You-Know-Who, and he's found the prison where Grindelwald's at.

Voldemort: You have knowledge of the uber-wand.

Grindelwald: Don't know what you're talking about, chap.

Voldemort: Tell me all you know.

Grindelwald: Don't think that tiny snake head could hold it all.

Voldemort: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Grindelwald: Please, I was doing this schtick when you were still wiggling around in your daddy's nutsack.

Voldemort: Never mention my father!

Grind