Post up some funny sex jokes!

Okay so a guy is near theend of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his
younger brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up.


The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position

Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!Tomato!!!

Whoa! PULL IT OUT! PULL IT OUT NOW! I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!

[one handed clap] lol it was alright ;)

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.


HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.


just some funny ones I like

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

know what a 6.9 is? a 69 ruined by a period.

know what a 6.9 is? a 69 ruined by a period.

HHAHA, niceee.

IM curious why is this thread 14+ not 16+ or 18+

know what a 6.9 is? a 69 ruined by a period. haha nice one dude

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"


Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"


A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your **** dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

IM curious why is this thread 14+ not 16+ or 18+

rofl cuz the kid that started the thread is 14 it woulda been funny if he woulda mde it 16+ or something

So there was this guy named bob...
bob liked his co-worker amanda...
every time bob tried to talk to amanda he would get a boner..
so one day amanda asked bob if he wanted to come over for diner...
some how bob said yes but then ran of because of his boner...
later that day bob went to his best friend jim for advice about hiding his boner...
jim told him to try and duck tape his **** to his leg so when he got a boner amanda wouldn't see it...
the next day bob gets to amanda's house and rings the doorbell...
amanda comes to the door and says "hi"...
bob is about to say hi when he got a boner...
he could feel it getting harder when...
BOOM!!!!!!!!...







































He kicks her in the face...
turns out that duck taping ur **** to your leg to stop a boner from showing isn't the best idea!

okay...
Two men were talking about their sex wives with their marrage the first guy says
"so what does you wife like"
"she likes things doggy style"
"oOoOoO sound kinky!"
"no not exactly everytime i wanna make love to her she's rolls over and plays dead"

While making love, he says...
Darling, let's do 68!
68??? What's that?
You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

This thread is ...
Not gonna say anything
I shall just keep tuned

lmao... notice how many members under 14 are in here

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

What's the wrinkly thing on grandma?



Grandpa.

hahaha

the age of fourteen is an odd cutoff for a sex joke thread.

how did you choose it and not thirteen or fifteen?

^lol, thats actually common in germany...

for example airsoft guns, motorized bicicles, or having sex is legal from 14 years on.

haha nice, heres one

walk up to a girl, say

" the word of the day is legs, lets go to my place and spread the word"

i did it once to a girl and got slapped lol (ya i actually did it)

the age of fourteen is an odd cutoff for a sex joke thread.

how did you choose it and not thirteen or fifteen?

because flatlandbran is 14.

^ um, 7even up explained it above...

^well, i tdidnt make the thread tho, so there migth be a different explaination to it...

^well, i tdidnt make the thread tho, so there migth be a different explaination to it...

and, I'm like 87.4% sure FLB is not German.

Why does it even matter? The thread has 'sex joke' written in it, I'm sure you can grasp the idea to not waltz in if your comfortable talking about sex. I feel that 14+ is a good age anyways, maybe even 13+. I know I for one am and was comfortable talking about sex at these ages.






Hell, I was comfortable when I was 10. ;) Just kidding.

lol im 13 and i hear a lot worse than this

yea these are very mild sex jokes!!

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.





That was really funny. I laughed really hard at it ! {rf)

yea these are very mild sex jokes!!

lol im 13 and i hear a lot worse than thisYou guys asked for it and here it comes, i'm gonna be banned for a year! Jk.

Lol "mayonnaise all over me".

This 35 year old woman was feeling a little depressed because she didn't feel as sexy as she used to and felt old. In order to feel and look younger she decided to get some plastic surgery done, nose job, botox the usual fake face stuff. Feeling proud after her recovery she walked into McDonalds and gave her order and then asked the man taking the order how old he thought she was, he guessed 22 and she replied "Nope, I'm 35" feeling really happy about herself. Then she asked the newspaper stand guy and he said "I would guess 24" The woman still feeling pleased said "nope, I'm 35" Then she asked an elderly man waiting at the bus stop with her, the man said "I know this trick where if I feel your boobs, and hold them for a while, I can guess your age." The woman confused and doubtful let the man grab her boobs. The man feels, squeezes and what not for several minutes before saying "You're 35 years old" The woman amazed asks "How on earth did you do that?" The man then replies "I was behind you in line at McDonalds"

there are two guys telling each other about there best days ever

and the first guy says
''about a month ago i i found 100$ and a pack of cigarettes at the store then when i got home from work my boss called and gave me a promotion''

then the other guy says
''i was walking along the railroad tracks and i found a beautiful girl tied to the tracks so i untied her and we had sex all day''

the other guy says
''wow did she suck your ****''
the second guy says
''no i never found her head''

i heard that when i was 4

how much sex does FlatandBran get ?
NONE !!!!

how much sex does FlatandBran get ?
NONE !!!!

9/10

original:icon_2gun

9/10

original:icon_2gun

lololollolollolololololololol

A man and woman just got married, and that night they got into the hotel bed, about to have sex. Then the woman says "I have a confession, I'm not a virgin." The man asked who she had sex with before and she answered Tiger Woods. So they started to have sex, and after about 15 minutes they stopped and the man picks up the phone, and dials to call room service. His wife pleads him to stop, and to go again. So he did, and they went for another 25 minutes after that. The man, now exhausted picked up the fone to call room service. His wife says who are you calling now? He replied "Room service again, I'm hungry". She asks him to put the fone down and to keep going. So he does. After another 20 minutes, he is absolutely buggered, and reaches to the phone. His wife says Oh don't call roomservice again please! To which he replies, I'm not calling room service, I'm calling Tiger Woods. She looked puzzled and asked him why he would call him to which he answers "To find out the par for this damn hole".

Little Josie was sitting with her grandma one day and asked her how grandpa died. She said "We were making love on a Sunday morning when he had a heart attack". Josie was shocked and said ''Well grandma, two 85 year olds making love? Something is bound to go wrong. Then her granma replied "Not really, we were only taking it slow, we went with the church bells. In on the ding, out on the dong". Josies grandma now started to cry, and said "If it weren't for that flaming Ice cream truck, John would still be alive today".

Little Josie was sitting with her grandma one day and asked her how grandpa died. She said "We were making love on a Sunday morning when he had a heart attack". Josie was shocked and said ''Well grandma, two 85 year olds making love? Something is bound to go wrong. Then her granma replied "Not really, we were only taking it slow, we went with the church bells. In on the ding, out on the dong". Josies grandma now started to cry, and said "If it weren't for that flaming Ice cream truck, John would still be alive today".

Pahaha! I lol'd at that one

if a white stork brings whike babys
and a black crow brings black babies
wht brings no babies?

a swallow

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as
your elbow, I'm in room 1221."#



not very good but oh well.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as
your elbow, I'm in room 1221."#



not very good but oh well.

that was acctually pretty good

made me laugh

ahhh flatandbran
what a poor sport he negged me ahahaha
the fact still remains

A girl just got her license, and she wanted to take her dad's truck into town to meet up with some friends. She asks her dad, and he says "Sure you can have the truck, honey. But first you have to give me a blowjob." She got started, and then said "Dad, your **** tastes like ****." Then the dad said "Oh sorry, your brother has the truck tonight."

^HAHA. It took me a second to figure it out then I was like "oooooh...eeewwww XD"

Do you have a nail?
cause i'd hammer you

A husband and wife are getting in the mood by feeding each other cherries. The husband feeds the wife one and she says "Cherries get me in the mood", but as she starts to feed the guy one, he says "Really? They give me gas"

MOOD KILLED

A girl just got her license, and she wanted to take her dad's truck into town to meet up with some friends. She asks her dad, and he says "Sure you can have the truck, honey. But first you have to give me a blowjob." She got started, and then said "Dad, your **** tastes like ****." Then the dad said "Oh sorry, your brother has the truck tonight."

lol my friend told me that one on friday.

lol.

some of these are very good.

I like FMG's, thats pretty damn funny.

ok ok check this one out.

a 16 year old couple decide there going to have some hanky panky, behind the banky, things get spanky, but the cry of big hanky made them say oh no thanky, it was wanky, and the tanky was manky, so they danky'd to never nanky aganky. ahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha.

^What?

what's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer...? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again...

Lol a Lot of theese made me Laugh