im not sure if I could have my own joke thread but you could move it or lock this thread if I cant lol now let me start :icon_bigg
and if I offend someone with my jokes I do not mean it and I am terribly sorry :icon_frow
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A Blind Man In Texas

A blind man is travelling to Texas. He feels the seats of the train and says to the man next to him he says "These seats sure are big" to which the man replies "Everything is bigger in texas". He then checks into is hotel and goes to the bar. He feels the beer glass and says to the bartender "The glasses sure are big" to which the bartender says "Everything is bigger in Texas". The blind man the asks to go to the lavatory.The bartender gave him directions. On the way he takes a wrong turn, slips and falls into the swimming pool. Scared to death he shouts "Dont flush!!!! Dont flush!!!!"

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Crashing Plane

Many people are travelling on a plane........Over the Atlantic the plane loses power......The captain announces "We're losing altitide so we are going to have to throw out the luggage". The passengers agree and all the luggage is thrown out. After a few minutes they lose a second engine, the captain announces "We have just lost another engine...we have to throw out the cabin baggage". So the cabin baggage is also thrown out. Just five minutes later a third engine blows out. The captain announces "We are close to land people, but we have to throw out some passengers too". There is an uproar in the cabin. Undaunted the captain continues "Passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order. A- any asians on board??... no? B - any blacks on board??....no......." Suddenly a little black boy asks his father "Dad, what are we??" His dad replies "Tonight son, we are Zulus................."

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Young boy And Old man

Young Boy asks Old Man

Boy: Grandpa, what are you reading??

Grandpa: A history book.

Boy: But thats a sex book

Grandpa: I know, that's history to me....


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A Pack Of Cigerettes

A woman hired a carpet layer to lay her expensive Persian carpet. He loses his cigarette packet somewhere and quite upset he completes the job. He then notices a lump in the carpet. Annoyed about his clumsy work and too tired to remove the nails he hammered on the lump till it disappeared. The lady of the house comes in and says, "Here's you cigarette packet. It was in the kitchen. Good job on the carpet too." She goes out and comes back in, "You haven't seen my hamster anywhere have you?"......


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Psychiatric Ward

Visiting the psychiatric ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

“Well,” the director said, “we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub.”

“I get it,” the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

“No,” the director said. “A normal person would pull that rubber plug.”
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Tell me if you like the jokes and I could post more if you want :D

i loled at the zulus pretty gud dude

the zulu and asylum one were pretty good

wtf? my dad was an old black mentally ill, blind man who hasnt had sex in forever and his hamster died in a tragic accident, then HE died on a plane across the mid atlantic....Im very offended

they were pretty good i have heard better but they were still good

+ rep

wtf? my dad was an old black mentally ill, blind man who hasnt had sex in forever and his hamster died in a tragic accident, then HE died on a plane across the mid atlantic....Im very offended

how much offended are you?very? lol
so I guess you didn't like my jokes :(
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Merging doublepost
A Scotsman

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

"**** off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

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Bowl Of Chili

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says,
'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.


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Rabbits lol

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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Eskimo Tribe

A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo village but is having trouble interacting with the villagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him.
The villager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He ask's what do I have to do?
The villager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bare hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight with one of our women.
The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He down's about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.
The chief picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,
"Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?"

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Nice Name

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob Titsnbeer"
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4 Old Men

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
and she said
"Take a sweater."
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I'll be updating later lol :D

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Maybe you should post in the "JOKE THREAD" IN THE COMEDY SECTION. =P