"Everything is a dream with this turbulence in my head
Sitting slumped in a corner with the pain that becomes widespread

Life isn't a mystery anymore once you see death
So I'll hold my breath one more time as I slide on this wall and gain depth

This little corner of mine seems so familiar, yet never seen before
It's like I've been here forever, but too afraid to explore

But fear is nothing now, I set everything aside
I mixed all my emotions with poison and tried to kill myself from the inside

But that didn't work, so I'm stuck here forever without anyone to know
How the experiments you take can sometimes leave you with nothing but your outside glow

So I'm just gonna sit here, king of my own sandcastle
Before the rain washes that away, and I have to pop another capsule

I gave half of my life to another, and I love her
But since this one's nearly gone, I'm afraid she deserves better

So I'll continue to dream on this turbulent flight
Journey through my mind until I can see the light"

I haven't written in a while. And yeah, this is based on a recent experience....somewhat.
Give me your thoughts?

Points you need to work on

-try and keep the flow the same, if things that sound good are to long cut them. You need flow

-Don't do the age old mistake of putting things in just because they rhyme.

But it was ok, 6.987/10

-Don't do the age old mistake of putting things in just because they rhyme.


Explain, sir.

Im diggin the message...the flow is a bit jumpy...i think jeff65 means that some of your lines really didnt connect...in a sense...

Yeah, they didn't. I was focusing more on the central idea you get when you finish it.

it was ok...kind of confused me