http://i418.photobucket.com/albums/pp269/skatemoreft/poem.jpg



All opinions welcome.

Im not understand the flow man..I thought I could get into it at first yeah but it just became a let down. Like it didnt have enough substance i guess would be the best way to put it.

Honestly I REALLY REALLY appreciate what youve said. I agree that there isnt enough to it. I like to think of it as being deep due to lack of detail (possibly giving it a broad topic variety?).

What do you think it could use? More information about life or why hes running or what?



This was my first ever true attempt at a poem so please be gentle but honest.

What are you trying to say in the last stanza?

What are you trying to say in the last stanza?


Well basically, if life=the beast and the beast lost, then its saying that Ive died and I am finally free. Its a salvaged soul because it was saved from any more suffering of life. Im sure you could take it other ways though.

Honestly I REALLY REALLY appreciate what youve said. I agree that there isnt enough to it. I like to think of it as being deep due to lack of detail (possibly giving it a broad topic variety?).

What do you think it could use? More information about life or why hes running or what?



This was my first ever true attempt at a poem so please be gentle but honest.

Well i really think you have a good direction in mind but sometimes in poetry being too vague can harm you more than it can help you. You see thats cause without the detail readers may be confused to where there is no connection which will lead to no captivation entirely. So with your poem Id say talk about maybe where hes running, why hes running, to whom is he running from(the beast?), possibly include more desrciption of the setting and or person. For example:

The Girl
'She crawls with a smile,with a innocent laugh. As mom and dad awe in the beaty she had. There daughter seemingly perfect.
She walks with friends who awe in her pains. As they hold her hand wanting her to explain. They dont understand the tears that fall. From a perfect girl who had it all.
She runs from the torments in her pasts.
From desperate lovers who move to fast.
From abandonmets from mom and alcoholic lashes from dad.
Yet again she walks so they might pass.'

Do you get what i mean dude? Just something totally in the style of your own writing that can connect with the audience. That puts more understanding and more depth into it.

I do like it, but as Bragas was saying its too vague. Put a stanza or two after the second stanza describng your "flight".

Well i really think you have a good direction in mind but sometimes in poetry being too vague can harm you more than it can help you. You see thats cause without the detail readers may be confused to where there is no connection which will lead to no captivation entirely. So with your poem Id say talk about maybe where hes running, why hes running, to whom is he running from(the beast?), possibly include more desrciption of the setting and or person. For example:

The Girl
'She crawls with a smile,with a innocent laugh. As mom and dad awe in the beaty she had. There daughter seemingly perfect.
She walks with friends who awe in her pains. As they hold her hand wanting her to explain. They dont understand the tears that fall. From a perfect girl who had it all.
She runs from the torments in her pasts.
From desperate lovers who move to fast.
From abandonmets from mom and alcoholic lashes from dad.
Yet again she walks so they might pass.'

Do you get what i mean dude? Just something totally in the style of your own writing that can connect with the audience. That puts more understanding and more depth into it.

Thanks man. I really get where your coming from. I see how it needs more description along the lines of whats happening.

:icon_peac

I will make sure to put all of the critique in mind the next time I try a poem (probably tomorrow).:icon_peac

Most definitley bro, Look forward to reading it.